Problematic chemsex can be distressing for the people around you. We developed a tip sheet especially for loved ones. You can print it out and give it to them.
How do you have a conversation about problematic chemsex?
Problems with chemsex in your immediate environment can be very distressing and effect you deeply. Feelings such as intense concern, sadness and shame can arise with family, friends and loved ones. But also incomprehension, anger and powerlessness. This can cause tension between you and the other person. Regular communication with mutual respect is an important step towards moving forward. But how do you have this conversation?
Here are some practical tips.
Only talk when the other person is calm. Never start the conversation if you are agitated or angry.
Communicate face-to-face, preferably not by telephone, and never by app
Start the conversation by reiterating that you are concerned, without burdening the other person.
Ask open questions about the (former) added value that chemsex/drug use has for them. Let them speak. Listen and be open to what you hear. Don’t criticise them but uplift their self-image. If the other person is thinking too negatively about themselves, that might be a trigger for them to start using again.
Don’t judge. Try to talk openly about drug use. The other person is almost always aware of its negative effects and is therefore struggling with powerlessness, frustration, shame and guilt.
Know that you cannot convince someone to cut down or stop with drug use. Realise that it’s their own responsibility.
If the other person does not (yet) want to stop or cut down, you will have to accept that, however difficult it may be. Behavioural change often occurs when the loved one distances themselves or takes a significant step back.
Do you live together? You can only continue a relationship if both of you are willing to change. You stop ‘worrying’, the other person reduces/stops using.
Do not react with harsh opinions, judgments, views, or accusations. Do not make empty threats. Avoid an argumentative atmosphere at all costs.
Show understanding and be patient. Realise that is not easy to just stop with chemsex. For the other person, it can be frightening to imagine a life without it. Friendships are often also developed through it. In the initial period of recovery, a life without chemsex feels like a barren desert.
Keep in mind the behavioural changes that you struggle to make. For example, smoking, drinking alcohol, nail biting, weight loss, or binge watching tv shows. You’ll often have a better understanding of why it is so difficult to reduce/stop with chemsex.
Remember that for many, replapses are part of the quitting process. It often takes several attempts to quit for good. Keep encouraging your loved one. One day they will succeed.