Arend (43) had sober sex for the first time after years of chemsex. “It is important to have a bond of trust with your partner.”

“I smoked crystal meth for the first time in 2016. In the years that followed, I slowly slid out of control and ended up having a burnout. I was in deep mourning because of the suicide of a dear friend and close sex buddy. It was as if the world fell away from under me. My rock bottom. I started talking to a trauma therapist and sought more professional help and support. After some frustrating intake experiences and treatment at addiction services, I finally found the right support through conversations with former users I met at chemsex meetings.

I learned that to reduce my craving, my sex life had to be put on hold temporarily. The pandemic broke out shortly after that, and everything became simpler. I avoided sex, not wanting to contract COVID-19 through a sex date.

After the second lockdown, I had had enough. A ten-month dry streak was too long. My desire for physical contact, connection and intimacy grew stronger and stronger. I hungered for skin. I texted a sex buddy with whom I had also used chems and immediately told him about my drug problem and difficult road to recovery. ‘Then why don’t we leave out the drugs?’ was his response. That was a big relief. I was quite nervous and uncertain. When we got close on the couch, watching a movie, cuddling and making out, I clammed up again. ‘I’m going to take a shower,’ I said.

That relaxed me and allowed me to let go of my blocking thoughts. We ended up going at it for three hours—without drugs. It was a big win. You can definitely have hot sex while sober. It is important to have a bond of trust with your partner. He respected my request to leave drugs out of it. I met a nice man in an Amsterdam bar soon after and had sex again—again without drugs.”