“I would like to feel pure love.”

Maik (30) uses crystal meth for sex. It removes his insecurity and lets him push boundaries, but it also has a downside for him.

“It mostly took away a lot of insecurity at first. I was insecure as a 15-year-old boy; about my looks, how I looked, and whether I could do it—sex. I was just anxious. Drugs lowered the threshold for me to engage in sexual contact, to be intimate. It started with ecstasy, later replaced by crystal meth, coke—often combined with ketamine—and GHB. Those were the four most exciting drugs for me. They enabled me to push my limits. I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for just casual sex.

The drugs helped me go for more extreme sex, so the person who had sex with me would think I was special, compliment me and say, ‘I would like to have sex with Maik again next time’. I wanted to make myself indispensable, to perform all the scenes I saw in porn movies and prove myself that way. I didn’t really see any real risks. I sometimes found myself in situations where I had doubts just before the high kicked in. I would think, I don’t really want this, or my sexual partner is too dominant, too pushy. But then I took more drugs, and that feeling went away.

“I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for just casual sex” 

I don’t believe I would get an erection if I were to have sex sober. I am still insecure and think I need to use sex as my unique selling point, my trademark. I have to sell myself because no one sees what Maik is actually like on a dating app. I would like to feel the extra dimension of pure love—getting butterflies in your stomach when you look at someone during sex, not from drugs or lust. I look forward to the sweetness, the foreplay, the cuddling, and the staying together after sex. I would love it if that could be reality.”


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